| Did I just? |
[Sep. 12th, 2006|11:24 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | The Who - Behind Blue Eyes | ] |
I did. Today I had a brush with the thing called career. I didn't realise it then, but the thought just hit me. I know I'm studying - ever so slowly, admittedly - to be a pharmaceut, but. Today, I was asked if I wanted to learn how to train the autistic children. For real, I mean, not just baby-sitting them like you do the other kids. The actual training for speech and mannerism, and the other things they learn. And still, while it wouldn't be for a job, if I know that I could be a substitute teacher for them to call not only when regular staff is ill or off, but also when one of the autistic care-takers can't come to work for whatever reason.
I could actually, professionally, sit down and train with the children, and make a difference to their day, because they need the stability of the training. Like today, when I spent the day with S.; if I had known how to train with her she wouldn't have needed to flit between me and the other teacher we have at the department who knows how to handle it.
My boss asked me this today. She said that some of my colleagues had pushed her the envelope, and recommended me for it. I was as enthusiastic as it was possible, without busting a vein, but it wasn't until after supper that I realised what this really meant. It's.. a strange feeling.
Also, Heather called me today. My heart flutters.
She needs that collar. |
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| Love |
[Sep. 8th, 2006|05:53 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Muse - Our Time Is Running Out | ] |
I've fallen head over heels into it, and it's bad, real bad, and it hurts. Just found out she's falling in love with someone too. Doesn't make it any better.
Had a fantastic day. Missed breakfast. Spent an hour pouring my blackened and burnt heart into the bucket of some psychiatrist I don't know, watched him throw the sludge out the window. Went to work despite the shaky legs. No breakfast there either. Had tea <3 to keep from throwing up and breaking down. Sausages for lunch = no lunch. Off like a lightswitch all break, waking with drool down my chin. Tried to keep up with the children by eating five or six bananas throughout the day, maintaining sugar-levels, but failed. Fell asleep on the bus, almost missed my stop. Nigel had torn down the curtains, again, and torn more wallpaper, crapped on the floor. Erik had skipped washing up since Friday is a day off from school, which leaves me with a mountain of dishes.
But.
I don't know.
Despite wanting to cry.
I'm in love.
And even though it hurts.
It's love. |
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| Note to self - and you. |
[Aug. 19th, 2006|04:56 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Avenue Q - The Internet Is For Porn | ] |
No matter how much you want that last Italian wholegrain biscotti.. Don't ever drink coffee on an empty stomach just because that's how you're supposed to have biscotti. It will make you throw up and have a panic attack.
Out. |
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| Don't think I even have ten people reading this. |
[Jul. 30th, 2006|09:59 am] |
| [ | music |
| | Moulin Rouge - Tango de la Roxanne | ] |
Well, I'm jumping the happy bandwagon of drawinghood since I've been so active with the pencil lately, and I need to practice drawing other things than the regular. Also, I like to do things for others. So here's the thing.
The first ten people to comment will get a free sketchamadoodle from me, you pick the content and all. Requirement: You have to do the same for ten other people by posting this same offer in your own journal/wherever. So comment ahoy, because I'd like to do you something :> |
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| PSP |
[Jul. 25th, 2006|12:50 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | 7 Seconds of Love - First Drink of the Day | ] |
I did get one. And yesterday I looked into how to customize it, so now it sort of looks and sounds like a porn-store. With games in it. Games about little multi-coloured blobs that roll, leap and call to eachother by shouting loooool!, preparing for unholy merging. The console also sports a little music as well, but not too much since the memory card only has a maximum capacity of 30mbs.
I spent my dinner hours not having my meal, but trying to get ScummVM to run on it, but I gave up on the project when I found out that I needed GTA to downgrade the firmware, so, no Monkey Island on my handheld I'm afraid. It would have been a blast though. Instead I made the computer bluescreen, made a platter of instant soup and watched some random CSI episodes. There was a hyacinth macaw in one, which made me happy.
Ah, hm, yes. Sara ran away with my wallet yesterday. You little thief you. Would you mail it for me today? Because I really, really need some fresh groceries and vegetables for Nigel. Sorry for being a lazy arse and make you tote my cash-machine around in your bag all the time. I learned my lesson now.
Oh, oh. Me, Valen, Repta and sPEACHLESS are going to start a roleplaying group here in Stockholm. If you want in, just tell me, alright? Yarr. |
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| OMGOMGOMG |
[Jul. 18th, 2006|12:42 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | NeoDragon - Vincent ~Gamma~ | ] |
SARA. |
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| --oorkt |
[Jul. 14th, 2006|06:16 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Hans Zimmer - Tadarida | ] |
I bought building-blocks for Nigel on my way home. It feels great watching him chew away, just going 'woorkt' every now and then, multi-coloured splinters everywhere. I hope he'll be alright with me leaving at eight tonight, because I really want to head down to Christoffer's birthday party and make out with his hot girlfriend. |
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| Mmm, weekdays. |
[Jul. 10th, 2006|04:25 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Koh Ohtani - Counterattack ~Battle With the Colossus~ | ] |
Breakfast: Brown bread x2 w. caviar
Lunch: Fishsticks x4.5 with potatoes x3 and mayonnaise
Dinner: Thai stew w. chicken, jasmine rise and salad
This morning wasn't as hectic as I had imagined it would be, being the first time in a long while that I had to get up at seven in the morning. Nigel was just happy to be up and about, and I was actually on time at eight thirty. Played FF:TA on the way there and home, and on my break. My work there consists of being with the kids until lunch, after which I'm the cleaning maid. I can leave when I'm done. And, what with there being four other teachers and eleven children.. It's not very hard work. That's what I like with summer daycare. Kids appreciate the extra attention you can give them, and being somewhere new, and you as an employee can enjoy conversation and a good cuppa even during work. I was close to writing that we can enjoy the weather, but we had the worst thunder- and rainstorm of the year today, so mabe not. I'm serious; heavens gates opened and spilled all it had on us.
We celebrated Nigel's first birthday yesterday, a day early, since I couldn't spend all day with him today. He got all his favourite foods and a special fruit salad dessert as well as one of them great little chewing bones for dogs. It's light and just the right size, and he sat gnawing it for hours both yesterday and when I left him this morning. My baby is one year old now.
Me and Touré, my favourite man of Trinidad, had a chat on one of our coworker's sexuality - no secrets at daycare, no - and all that talk about lesbians made me sad and alone and I need company :'< Dames, hither! My door is open.
( Unrelated luls ) |
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| STOP RIGHT THERE |
[Jul. 2nd, 2006|02:37 pm] |
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going away for a weeek everyone stop posting lolpls merry summer |
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| The words don't come easily. |
[Jun. 13th, 2006|09:14 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Yellowcard - Everywhere | ] |
Reading. God, it's been so long since I sat down and did nothing, since I sat down and opened a fresh batch of unexplored pages and simply read. Glimpses of terror, of delight. Call me silly, but because I'm so used to my own words I have a hard time finding someone elses attractive enough to engage and inspire. Thankfully there are times when you stumble over a writer and fall flat on your face into their work. Your bloodied nose serves to remind you, at least throughout the process of enjoying a piece of good literature, that there are others worthwhile word artists out there in our day and age who make good things. All enjoyable books don't have to be a hundred years plus. While elder copies give a shelf more physical weight, the printing inks and leathers lending the object status which it shares with what it stands on, technically it's not needed, much like using italics in a text simply to put emphasis in words most certainly isn't needed either. In all honesty, a reader should be given the freedom to emphasize what he or she likes in a text.
I don't write much these days either. I don't know why, it just doesn't strike me as writing time. When I sit on the bus to and from work, there are ideas, little glimmerings of stories, sentences unsaid and yet unwritten. It's at those times I wish that I could always bring with me a notepad and pen, because once I've spun the sentence into a paragraph, into a page, once I've come home, I no longer have the urge. And it sort of.. smarts, having to say that aye, I'm a writer. But I don't write. Not any more. It's a bit like knowing that this is your life, Charlie Brown, but you can't live it fully any longer.
Why is this?
I know Monet sat five years making painting after painting of his own little pond, a million variations on water lilies he would scrap, cry and swear at. Just because of artists block. I've had writers block before, but never has it been so tangibly unscalable as it is now. It's like looking at a big brick wall - the bricks aren't cracked and misshapen, it's a newly erected wall with fresh mortar and of shining red orange - with just no way to break it down. You put your hand against the brick and it's not even cold and demanding you to tear it down. It's a sodden everyday warmth, a little soggy, and you know that butting your head against it will only wear you out. And on the other side is this bountiful land - no, better - a laughing child just waiting for you. Not impatient or angry, simply excited and expectant, and you're teary-eyed with desperation because right now it feels you'll make that child disappointed.
I usually feel like this when I've finished a book, or rather, when I've devoured a book the way I did today. Starting with it on the bus - usually a time for my own thoughts to explore a new day - and finishing it some time between dinner and Nigel going to sleep. A book of four hundred pages that demands your attention until you're done. There are still books like this, yes. But when I'm done with one, I stand with my nose pressed against that bloody brick wall like a child glued to a toy-store window in the winter. After I've melted the feeling of comfort that reading brings, after I've spent some time analyzing the contents of the story, leafing through it again to confirm theories. After this, I run into the brick wall and I feel inadequate. I've not accomplished anything. There's this brick wall, right here, between me and my hopping, expectant child, and this person just started on writing his fourth book, and his cup runneth over with pride and new ideas.
I'm not going to say it's not fair, because life's not fair and I can deal with that. I'm far from fair as a person myself. But how does one scale a wall like this? Do you scale it at all, with writing exercises and crumpled scrap papers all over the floor? Does one dig a tunnel under it? Does one blow it up - and if one does, with what? I'm personally still butting horns with it, bloodying my forehead and swearing at the mortar to loosen so that I may beat through. I don't like being unsuccessful, but I'd like to at least make an attempt before failing. I'm not going to say please. I just want to kick back up, over, around and bang, there's the ground. It's still the same as on the other side, no different at all, but with that little cool hand of a child, taking mine and leading me back into the world of my fantasies. |
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| Propaganda |
[May. 29th, 2006|04:23 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Schwartz Stein - Succubus | ] |
Most of us have read about this one. But up until today I hadn't seen Donald Duck in Naziland. Now that I have, I'm not so certain I should have watched it. [link]. Let me know what you think about it. |
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| Welcome ye springe! (part two) |
[May. 11th, 2006|11:20 am] |
| [ | music |
| | Shin Megami Tensei - Airport | ] |
Yeah, uh. The list expands.
Cetirizin copyfarm
Pulmicort
Nasonex
Citalopram Sandoz
Atarax hydroxyzine
.. I bloody loathe spring. |
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| Welcome ye springe! |
[Apr. 27th, 2006|05:38 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Massive Attack - Inertia Creeps | ] |
Signs that spring is back!
The first butterfly - I didn't see it
The first dragonfly - it was brown
Flowers! Snowdrops, violets, wood anemones, skilla and crocus
Two bumblebees frolicking amongst said flowers
Children removing all their clothes
In other news, I'm back into working three days a week since I didn't get to take any classes.
I earned a hundred SEK for an hour's worth of massage - I give my colleagues 50% off - and so my arms are raw: it's obvious I haven't done this for some time.
The FFXI expansion Treasures of Aht Urhgan is out, and I was going to buy it, but it turned out it was the EU version, so I sent the copy to a friend and got the money back. Just as well, it was an ill thought through expence.
Was out with my friend and colleague Helen yesterday to oversee a dress purchase, and we ended up touring the mall trying clothes - me, trying clothes! - and having a generally great time. I even bought a lovely, low cut dress top, and I found the sexiest black dress jumpsuit thing ever, but I'm not certain it really fits. I'm bringing mum and her perfectly honest advice to the store to have another go at it tomorrow after work.
I'll see if I can't celebrate May 1st out drinking, and hitting on fair lasses. I know I get to see one on Sunday at least, regardless of successes out or not. |
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| :/ |
[Apr. 6th, 2006|11:14 am] |
| [ | music |
| | Ichiko Furukawa - Derris Kharlan ~shrine~ | ] |
My parrot drinks tea and demands my first-born to promote his evil ways.
Is this normal? |
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| OBSESSION. |
[Apr. 5th, 2006|05:03 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Robbie Williams - Let Me Entertain You | ] |
Banana chiiiiiiips. |
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| ; ; |
[Mar. 28th, 2006|12:29 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | G.F. Händel - Messiah: Hallelujah | ] |
CSN people are the best. The best. I'm so thankful to them that I'm on the verge of tears. They won't gank my nonexistant 2.340USD, but rather carefully yoink 190USD each month for twelve months. I can do that. I can manage that. And so many millions of stones are hereby taken off of my bosom.
Thank you, Lisa of CSN. |
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| 1character, the third dimension and memeness. |
[Mar. 27th, 2006|11:47 am] |
| [ | music |
| | Andrew Langley & Kimmi Thogersen - Rapp Scallion | ] |
( So, let's get the meme over with - it's about videogames. )
1character is a livejournal community with fandom and writing emphasi, which I'm going to join this evening when I've decided on which theme set I want to start with. For character I'll be ganking FFXI's ninja pirate Gilgamesh, just because.. well, it's Gilgamesh. It'll take a while.
3D? Yes. With the help of Metasequoia (Sequoia! You've got to love redwoods.) I've been dabbling in modelling and correct texture application. It's.. challenging, and I'm yet to see if it's for me or not. It's fun, but tough to keep on going when it doesn't yield the desired look after even the sixteenth try. Still. Press onward. |
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| omigoshmeme, and DOOM. |
[Mar. 19th, 2006|10:33 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Communique - Perfect Weapon | ] |
( Ganked from funambulus; the OChar meme. )
On another note, I just finished watching DOOM - the film - with my brother. As a fan of the first game in the series, I had no hopes whatsoever for a movie that's been called so B that it's actually C. Halfway through, it turned things upside down by stripping the main character from his role and making him something else. A nice grip. Second, the actual head-bobbing shooter part? Best scene this year insofar. Glad I didn't spend any money on it, but a fun watch for when you want a good splatter with a few actual surprises.
And Erik went to the movies yesterday to watch another film with startlingly dull reviews and came back lyrical. Granted he doesn't read too deeply between lines nor care about things like the cutting of scenes, but he was impressed. I do like Hugo Weaving, I really do, and I do so dislike Ms. Portman, so I just might see it as well. Whether I'll wait until it's available for home viewing or if I'll watch it on the big screen remains to be decided.
..beh. Tomorrow is Monday. |
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| Bowzer the Boozer. |
[Mar. 9th, 2006|08:45 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Pain - Same Old Song | ] |
I have a new addiction: Question Swap. Just take a look and you'll see why.
Then you may thank me, as I thank Jacob.
Kyuu's father died some two weeks ago, I heard last night. And Elwin, a forum acquaintance of mine which I've met IRL once or twice, passed away in his room in Kyoto some time during late January. I was told just an hour ago. I.. really don't know what to do with either two pieces of information.
And they're not the only ones I've heard about lately. Why are so many people dying right now? Is it the season for cold, sad death alone? If it is, it's a trend I want nothing to do with.
I wrote a long, lamenting journal entry on a slip of paper at work last Tuesday, but I decided against posting it. There's no point in whining any more. Nobody cares, and it won't make me feel better. Suffice to say that work right now? It makes me want to knock back a whiskey every day I get home. And I don't even like whiskey.
To the few I can imagine might wonder where I am; my apologies. I'll come online this weekend and tell you about everything that's going on. I miss you a lot and wish I had the energy to write you right now, but I can't. Tomorrow, or Saturday. Please <3 stay with me. |
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| Electrical currents. |
[Feb. 11th, 2006|03:10 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Pain - Bye / Die | ] |
It's time for another short science-lesson today, my dears. I believe all of us have read physics at one time or another, and should know at least the very basics on what leads electricity and what doesn't, how to ground yourself before having to deal with anything electrical, and so on and so forth. I'm also assuming everybody knows what a Volt is and, approximately, how many of them are required to be friend through and through.
In North America a standard grounded wall socket has - according to my very limited resources - more or less 115V running through them. Here we have either 220V or 380V coursing through ours, which is quite a lot more. So please don't judge me when I say that I got one hell of a shock on Wednesday evening, and I mean that in two ways.
As is the way with small, bored children and animals who refuse to entertain themselves with the toys they have at hand, things get broken. Sometimes they break a whole lot, such as the cable to my lamp in form of an Earth globe. How Nigel did it without electrocuting himself in the process I don't know, but he either managed, or took no damage from it whatsoever. At any rate, he'd gnawed through the plastic and into the mesh of coppers inside it, then left it hanging as he went for the book-case.
When I came home after work to clean up the tornado, I made the fatal mistake of putting my hand on the heater under the windowsill for support as I went down on my knees to pick up some loose ends on the floor.
Now, this heater is really, really odd. If you have your foot on it and touch the computer screen you'll get a rather nasty electrical shock. Nothing that spreads, but it will leave your fingertip numb and tingly for a few minutes. I haven't felt like experimenting further, but I know it does lead electricity.
There was poo on the drapes, so I wanted to push the cable hanging right next to it aside so it wouldn't get dirty.
Alright, so I know that when people are electrocuted to death they are usually tampering with really high voltages, such as the third rail by a railway track, or power-lines. But holding onto an exposed 220V chord and an equally charged electrical heater was enough for me to get really, really, really frightened.
We all know what it looks like in comic-books or cartoons when somebody is electrocuted. Hair stands on edge, really stupid and uncontrollable screaming ensues, and the person is unable to let go of the thing shooting electricity through their bodies. It was just like that, only without the hair on end. The most frightening thing was, if I must choose, the inability to control myself, to inability to let go of what was causing that very odd sensation of pain. It was as if someone had taken hold of your face and shaken it rapidly back and forth, your hands glued to surfaces so hot that feeling leaves your skin within mere moments, your voice ripped from its bowels and torn out through your mouth to make the silliest little cry you've ever heard. And all the while you're unable to control any of it.
I was lucky though, because I'm so heavy and was sitting badly balanced on my haunches. I think I must have falled backwards or something, for though I was trying to pull away from both heater and cable it was pretty much useless. As soon as my fingers slipped off the polished surface of the heater I could let go of the chord, and egads, what an embarrassing state I was in. You know, the way people are like in the movies. Breathing in wheezes, snuffling, laughing pathetically to cover up the big fright they just got.
Times like these it's obvious my mother still has her nurse training fresh in mind, the way she cooly calmed me down in a no-fuss sort of way, and turning off all the power by the fuse-box before pulling all cables. So very rational.
Anyway, the moral of this stupid story is that I'm so sorry for having been offline for so long. I've been working overtime these last two weeks, which is exhausting since it's still running in between daycares, which have now extended to five places with a multitude of children at each one, and tired, overworked adults not doing much other than lounge and whine. Working means early to bed and early rising, so it's not worth it to turn on the computer even to erase spam.
And after Wednesday with its physics-adventure the skin of my palms cracked too badly to anything involving them at all. It's challenging to hold cutlery with your hands bundled up with yoghurt and gauze, let me tell you. But it's okay now, only a few white spots of dead skin remain to show. The main problem is Nigels willingness to continue going for the cables, which is distressing. If a simple shock like this one could burn me this way, imagine what it would do to him. |
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debatable_truth's journal